Kaleidoscope of Loud Heartbeats
by Akira-kun
Summary: Iwaizumi and Oikawa broke apart and spent 12 years in silence. And when they reunite, things are not so simple anymore and their lives take a tumble. Or two. Rate M, 58K words Completed work can be read on my AO3 account: Akira kun
1. Butterflies turned to dust

**A.N.:** Yes, the IwaOi hell got me too! I confess, I'm weak against these two bastards. Oh babies! I've been plotting/writting this for over 2 months now! And only now I got the ability to publish it! Arg!  
Please keep the tags in mind. This first couple of chapters are a bit intense and angst - I mean it!

I'm aiming for more or less 10 chapters, let's hope the plot bunnies don't decide to fuck up with me (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

Title of the fic comes from "Welcome to New York", by Taylow Swift (because I'm weak and I fell to TayTay's music spell and I kinda ploted all the fic with 1989 and yeah... all chapter titles will also be 1989 musics' quotes, ah!)

If anyone that is reading this, is a regular reader os mine, you might find some similarities between the base of this plot and one of the my previous Naruto works. I have a few guilty pleasures, sue me x)

Beta-ed by lovely: **JustAnAvidReader**

No further ranting!

* * *

 **Chapter 1  
** _Butterflies turned to dust_

 **23rd of September, 2015  
Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department**

" _It's match point for Japan and it's Oikawa serving!"_

Voices filled the room. Cheers and exclamations echoed as everyone present watched the game displayed on the LCD screen with intensity. Some declared their full support for Japan while others enlivened the Captain of the National Team with a contagious enthusiasm that could be felt across the whole floor.

Iwaizumi sighed and looked at the black coffee cup the waiter just placed on the counter. The final game of the 32nd Volleyball World Championship: Japan vs. USA. Japan was winning 2-1 and if they scored that match point, they would win Worlds. Iwaizumi took the cup with the hot coffee to his lips. He didn't turn around to look at the TV and watch the final rally. He closed his eyes when the referee whistled the order to serve. He breathed deeply and heard Oikawa's hand hitting the ball in his monstrous serve. A lower toned receive was barely understandable over the excitement of his co-workers and the spike plus receive on Japan's side was greeted with even louder voices.

He caught himself holding his breath, lips pressed to the cup. Empty mind, all his attention fixed in the melody of the game he knew by heart. The USA team got the ball up after one of those nasty spikes Ushijima was still so damn famous for. It was back to Japan side. Nishinoya received and passed to Oikawa.

The rally was running long, the players were anxious, the public thrilled with all the euphoria of a World Championship final and Iwaizumi didn't need to see it to know how relaxed and extraordinarily focused Oikawa was. _Because he knew his team, he knew that game, he knew what he had to do to win. Because that was his dream!_

" _SAKUSA SCORES! JAPAN IS THE NEW WORLD CHAMPION!"_

Iwaizumi released his breath and opened his eyes slowly. The coffee was no longer burning hot when he finally sipped it. He could tell everyone was jumping around, celebrating, screaming, a thunderstorm of happy adrenaline rushing through everyone's veins. It had been a few decades since Japan had last won Worlds, so the enthusiasm was understandable. An imperceptible smile brushed his lips before he drank all the coffee and set the cup down on the counter, turning to leave the Department's bar.

He walked closer to the wall, away from the cheerful mass of people, and dared, for a second, to glance at the TV. Oikawa's bright smile was all he could see before he turned away and walked out without much of a sound.

 **xxx**

He wasn't even back in his office when his phone started to buzz. Line* messages from old teammates, from his mother, from people he met when he was still the Ace of AobaJousai. Everyone had seen the game, everyone was sharing the good news and he knew too damn well that every single one of them was expecting a reaction from him. He knew most of the Japan current team, he played with them and against them in high school, he was someone who breathed volleyball and couldn't live without it. So watching the National Team, lead by his best friend, win Worlds? Oh yes, everyone definitely needed a reaction from him.

And that was the last thing Iwaizumi wanted to talk about.

Walking into his office, he closed the door and dropped his tired body onto the fake leather couch. He reached to his vest and took out a strawberry flavoured lollipop ( _someone should have warned him that changing his smoking addiction to a lollipop addiction was not a very bright idea_ ). He leant back on the couch and closed his eyes again, breathing out as the creamy strawberry flavour melted slowly on his tongue.

Volleyball had left his life when he finished high school and the victory at the World Championship wasn't going to change that. The Police Academy he joined after graduation left him very little free time. In between theoretical classes like Introduction to Criminal Law or Human Relations, and physical training like Firearm Skills or Self-Defense, there was no time to play volleyball or to watch volleyball or to go out and talk about volleyball like his group of friends was so used to. And when he graduated from the Academy, he got himself so deep into work he was actually awarded a promotion to Assistant Inspector at the young age of 23. The _Inspector_ title came three years later.

"Iwaizumi-senpai!" Kindaichi yelled as he burst the office door open and his sparkling eyes landing on the other man. Iwaizumi sighed. For a moment, he had forgotten that Kindaichi had joined him at Police Academy and, later, at the Organized Crime division of the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department. "Have you watched the game?!"

"Ah…" It was easy to ignore the Line messages and the phone calls, but Kindaichi was standing right in front of him and it was not like Iwaizumi could just remain silent. Karma was a bitch, right? "I… heard the final rally, yes."

"IT WAS FANTASTIC!" Kindaichi yelled, slamming the door shut and jumping in front of the couch. "SAKUSA'S SPIKE WAS TREMENDOUS! TREMENDOUS! I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH A PERFECT-"

He kept ranting and gesticulating and yelling and laughing about the game. Iwaizumi could understand him, of course, he could. Watching the people you know, the people you played with for so many times, so many years, take the National Team to World Champion was something indescribable. The older man tried to tune off for a bit, ignore Kindaichi's rant without being rude, but the younger was making it hard.

"-AND THEN NOYA-SAN RECEIVED! AND OH MY GOD!" he jumped from one side to the other, as he replayed the rally with his own body. "I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE THAT BALL BEING RECEIVED! AND OIKAWA-SAN WAS SO- ah!" he stopped abruptly, black eyes staring at his senior, letting a heavy silence drop in the room. Iwaizumi thought that Kindaichi looked almost like a lost puppy. "I'm sorry… I forgot you don't… that volleyball is not your… thing anymore."

"It was a great game, Kindaichi. I understand your enthusiasm," Iwaizumi said, his voice plain and simple, stripped of emotion. "The guys did a great job. A World title is not something that falls from the sky, after all!"

"Senpai…" he hesitated and Iwaizumi waited patiently, watching as Kindaichi bit his lower lip and scratched the back of his left hand with more strength that he probably needed. "The… AobaJousai Volleyball Club alumni is going to gather this Friday night for drinks. Nothing too big or fancy," he gave Iwaizumi a quick and weak smile before continuing. "Anyway, we would like to have you around as well. And… Oiwaka-san said he would find a way to show up…"

"I'm sorry, Kindaichi, I'm not free on Friday night," the Inspector said. Kindaichi looked disappointed, but he didn't push any further. It was a big shot to be able to gather all AobaJousai alumni under the same roof. "Maybe next time."

Only there wouldn't be a next time and Iwaizumi knew it. And even if there was, he wouldn't be attending.

The end of high school had been too dramatic and too extreme for Iwaizumi. His life took an 180º turn, his entire routine was trashed and rebuild from scratch. He woke up one day and there was no more Miyagi, no more AobaJousai, no more friends or family around, no more volleyball, no more… Oikawa.

 _Damnit…_

How much he forced himself to not think about Oikawa? How many sleepless nights before he could stop dreaming about Oikawa? How many nightmares before his body gave up to tiredness and forced him into a dreamless sleep that wouldn't last long and left him as exhausted as he was before? Days and days of anguishing over someone who stayed in his past. Months of depression and almost despair as he couldn't just get over his turmoils. He had lost Oikawa and, consequently, stepped away from everything familiar to him. He drowned in his studies, in the physical classes, in anything he could find that would take his mind of his past. His oh so damn recent past, that hurt like a century of torture upon his soul.

Twelve years had passed since then.

And Iwaizumi wasn't sure he recognized Oikawa's voice anymore.

 _Probably not_ , he thought, looking away from Kindaichi to the rain that was falling slowly outside. _It's been too damn long._ Without a word, without a card, without a Line message. They parted at graduation, pushed by some silly teenager fight that got too big, too strong, too out of control and too proud. They didn't call on birthdays, they didn't call when Oikawa joined the National Team nor when Iwaizumi was promoted, they didn't call when Iwaizumi got shot on a mission nor when Oikawa had surgery because of his knee. They didn't visit the other at the hospital, they didn't send flowers for graduations nor a birthday or new years card.

They parted.

And they never reunited again.

 **xxx**

The clock on the wall marked half-past nine when Iwaizumi decided that the day had been too long and he needed to go home. The game finished around eight something and, since then, all he had written on his reports was garbage. He was too far lost in memories made of dust, in feelings he wanted to forget but kept coming back to haunt him. He groaned, frustrated, and got up, grabbed the jacket of his dark grey suit and his overcoat, and shoved another lollipop into his mouth before turning off the lights, leaving the already empty office right after.

The damned game had pushed a wrong button, dragging a whirlwind of oppressive emotions into his chest and heart. He felt like he was back in his academy days when he was doing his best to shut down all those feelings, and failing miserably. He didn't want to think about volleyball, about all it meant to him, about all the memories it gave him. He didn't want to go on a trip down memory lane, not when he had given up so much in order to be functional again.

"Who the fuck am I kidding?" Iwaizumi growled while waiting for the elevator, his jacket and overcoat already on. It was not the volleyball, it was not the game, it was not the memories. He watched games of volleyball before, he had seen the National Team play before and he was showered in memories every two weeks, when he returned to his parents home, in Miyagi. He was breaking, and his excuses for that meltdown were even more pathetic than how he was feeling at the moment.

He entered the elevator, pressed the ground floor button and leant his head onto the cold metal of the wall closer to him. A headache was starting to pound its way into him. He held his breath and swallowed dry, closing his eyes for a brief moment. The flash of a bright smile making him curse and snap his eyes open again.

He hadn't seen Oikawa's real smile in over a decade.

And the one he saw on tv, the one that was so pure and warm and intense, the one that was Oikawa's deepest secret when they were 17. The one smile that was able to take Iwaizumi's ground from under his feet, destroy his heart like it had been hit by a lightning, shatter all his resolutions and convictions and - _goddamnit!_ \- even make him forget his own name! That one smile that Oikawa never showed to anyone else, the one smile that was kept for the most important occasions, the one smile Iwaizumi knew, always knew, from deep inside his soul, that was kept for when dreams came true. That smile that Iwaizumi was always so certain that would only be displayed when he was right there, at Oikawa's side… was seen on TV, with the glacially cold distance he never thought it would be possible in between them.

The 17-year-old Iwaizumi would find ridiculous and impossible the scenario in where Oikawa wins the World Championship and he himself is not there, in the stadium, right next to his best friend, celebrating together and seeing that bloody damned smile right in front of him.

Life was also a bitch, uhn?

He crushed the cherry lollipop with his teeth when he reached the ground floor and exited the elevator. He just wanted to go home, to collapse on his bed and pray to have his emotions back under control when he woke up on the next day. After passing through all security procedures, Iwaizumi headed for the front door of the building, saying goodnight to the night shift guard, who waved at him in return.

The rain was still falling softly, almost delicately, like a sakura petal during spring. He opened a black umbrella he had taken from the bin next to the front door and stepped into the street. A mild wind caressed his face before he pulled the lapel of his overcoat closer to his neck. He turned right, heading for Sakuradamon metro station while his brain reminded him that he still had, at least, half an hour of commuting before he could be home.

There was no traffic at that time, the street was incredibly calm and, unconsciously, Iwaizumi was thankful for that. He turned at the corner of the building, the still green trees taking most of the rain on their leaves, leaving the underneath almost dry. He looked up at the canopy of dark green and tilted his umbrella forward in order to close it.

But suddenly the air was heavy and humid and hot, very hot, too damn hot. His skin was crawling, and Iwaizumi's respiration was forced out of his chest by an invisible strength that punched his stomach. His head was spinning, he was nauseous and dizzy. He closed his eyes and bit his lower lip, his free hand coming to cover his lids while he dared to inhale deeply, forcing his lungs to expand again.

 _Let it be a hallucination,_ he begged, prayed and beseeched to whomever or whatever would listen to him. And under his breath, he cursed.

Karma was a bitch. Life was a bitch. Why would fate be any different?

His heartbeat became loud and harsh as he turned to the person leaning against one of the trees in complete silence. The hazel eyes he had dreamt of for longer than he could even tell were on him and he felt weak. So weak he couldn't move, he had no voice to talk, no strength to breathe, _nothing_. He stood there, under the trees which protected him from the cold rain, with those cursed eyes upon him and he just stared back.

The silence reigned between them. Seconds felt like a torturous eternity and there was no more rain, no more wind, no more occasional car passing by.

A soft, delicate, shy smile crossed those hazel eyes before drawing itself on pale lips and Iwaizumi felt his world fall apart even before that voice echoed around his name.

"Iwa-chan…" _Oikawa... Oikawa… Oikawa. Oikawa!_ "I won Worlds."

 **To be continued**

* * *

 **A.N.:** "Butterflies turned to dust" - _Clean_ , 1989 by Taylor Swift

*Line - a texting app very similar to Whatsapp and Telegram that is a HUGE success in Japan and has the greatest majority of the market.

HAPPY IWAOI DAY!  
I promise 2nd chapter soon :3

R&R, please? It makes authors happy and inspired ;*

Follow me on twitter **ahakira_**  
Or tumblr: **.com**

Akira


	2. Til somebody loses their mind

**A.N.:** Aloe_dragons_G pointed out (in AO3) Oikawa's eye color on the previous chapter and I wanted to be sure everyone would understand where I got the hazel. Directly from _allaboutvision_ : " _Some say it looks like hazelnut, while others call it golden or brownish green. One of the reasons it's so hard to describe hazel-colored eyes is that the hue itself seems to change(...)_ " And if you check Eye Color on Wikipedia, you can see that a eye that has a mixture of brown/gold can be considered "hazel". As Haikyuu is animated with a base color + shadow pallet for the characters' eyes, I took a poetic liberty of defining Oikawa's eye color in the hazel spectrum. I wondered if I should go with amber instead, but I see amber eyes as being more light toned than Oikawa's (like Tsukishima's or Hinata's). Apologies for the ones who pictured green or blue. That was not my intention.

Let's get on with the angst! (Because I have nothing better to write ahahaha). I promise after all this angst, there will be some love (and porn! *O*)!

* * *

 **Chapter 2  
** _'Til somebody loses their mind_

 **26th of October, 2002  
Karasuno High 2 - 1 AobaJousai High**

Oikawa walked out of the court with his head high and his face dry. He heard the coach's words in silence while sobs coming from the rest of the team surrounded him. He slapped Iwaizumi's back, giving him comfort and support, right before thanking the spectators for all the cheers and screamed love during the final match of his high school career.

He coordinated the team to get ready to leave and, as he dumped into Ushijima Wakatoshi, he even put on his _insignificante pride_ to give the ace of Shiratorizawa some valuable piece of advice. Oikawa was strong and collected, confident when his entire team was falling apart around him and he was picking all the smithereens up, one by one, to make sure everyone would be ok. He gave them words of encouragement when they arrived at AobaJousai High, words of hope, words of enthusiasm. He made them promises of better days, of days when the preliminaries will not stop them, of days when their team will shine at the Nationals.

Iwaizumi knows those are lies, but he doesn't stop Oikawa to make his teammates feel better. Oikawa has the power to make people believe and hope and, in such a dark and lost moment, that isn't a bad thing.

They leave the school together, as they always did, after Oikawa convinced the other 3rd years that their careers are far from over and that a lot of universities are looking for players like them. Hanamaki and Matsukawa tell him they want to play in the same team as him and Iwaizumi, and Oikawa tells them that they still have time to see about the university choices and - who knows! - maybe they all would end up on the same team again.

As they walk home, alone and side by side, Oikawa's mood started to dispel. The night fell slowly around them and Iwaizumi watched as the darkness took over not only the streets and the sky but also Oikawa's soul. He wanted to send the darkness flying away from his friend, but what could he say that Oikawa hadn't said himself? That he could still play in college? Or that his career was far from over? Or even that they could still arrange match practices with other schools? It was all true and even though… it didn't help. None of it helped.

Iwaizumi knew Oikawa had the acceptance letter for Chuo University on his desk for over a month. Oikawa had been talking about Chuo University since the beginning of the year. The private university that had one of the best sports programs in the country and prided in having several Olympic gold medals as part of their alumni. The university that most contributed with young talents for National Teams. The university that had awarded Oikawa with a volleyball scholarship when the scout saw their game against Shiratorizawa at the Inter-High preliminaries.

"Your team lost, but your performance was out of this world." The scout said. "We would be very honoured to have you as part of the Chuo University's volleyball team."

Oikawa's eyes lit up in silent expectation at those words and Iwaizumi didn't need to be told that Oikawa had the next 5 years of his life already decided.

But Chuo University was elite and he knew neither Hanamaki or Matsukawa would even try to apply there. Iwaizumi did, of course he did. His grades were good but not impressive and his dream of going to university with Oikawa was getting farther and farther away. Deep inside his heart, he knew the ugly truth he wasn't brave enough to admit it. The truth that was so overwhelming and painful that it was starting to break through Oikawa's iron defences and leaking its poisonous liquid into the setter's blood.

That had been their very last game together.

"Where are your parents?" Iwaizumi found his voice and asked when they arrived at their street and he saw Oikawa's house completely dark. He heard a delicate sigh before Oikawa smiled delicately.

"They're at my sister's for the night. They will be back tomorrow." And oh god, how much Iwaizumi hated that fake smile and that fabricated calmness. "Don't worry. They left me dinner and I won't go to sleep too late. I'll see you tomorrow, then!"

Oikawa hadn't even turned around to pass through the front gate and Iwaizumi's hand was already closed around Oikawa's arm. The hold was strong and Iwaizumi knew he was shaking, but there was no way in hell he was going to leave Oikawa alone.

"Either you come with me, or I go with you," he said in a low tone. His hand was going to leave bruises on Oikawa's skin, but that was not important at the moment. "I'm not letting you alone tonight."

"You don't need to worry, Iwa-chan," Oikawa waved his free hand and flashed another fake smile. Iwaizumi felt desperate with how easy it was to read through the lies. "I'll be fin-"

"But I won't be fine!" he declared, pulling Oikawa closer so they were face to face and Iwaizumi could see the curtain of tears behind those hazel eyes he knew better than the palm of his hand. "I won't be fine without you. So, decide! Are you coming with me or shall I go with you?"

Oikawa's muscles flexed under his touch and he felt his friend's hand hold his arm back gently before being pulled into the dark and empty house direction. They didn't speak for the minutes that followed as they took off their shoes and left their bags on the couch. They ate in silence and Iwaizumi showered first. He sat on Oikawa's bed, his back against the hall, and turned off the lights, allowing the street lamps to be the only illumination of the room.

He told himself that he was tired, that his eyes hurt, and that was the reason behind the room in dim light. He forced a little annoying voice out of his head, a voice that was telling him that Oikawa cried in the shower and he would have red and swollen eyes when he returned to the room. A voice that reminded Iwaizumi that Oikawa would not look at him, or talk to him out of embarrassment for the tears he held back since the end of the game. They have seen each other cry countless of times before, but… something was off that day.

The bathroom door was opened and closed and, in no time, Oikawa was back into the room. He didn't say anything regarding the lights and he didn't turned them back on either. He sank his body next to Iwaizumi's on the bed and looked at the ceiling. Oikawa was cold, his skin was cold and his body that always felt so warm every time they sat next to each other, was close to stone. Iwaizumi tried to see the expression on Oikawa's face, but it was dark and the setter's wet hair was over his eyes. Suddenly, Iwaizumi felt anxious, almost lost. Oikawa wasn't ok and he didn't know how to help. He didn't know what to do. And that was one of the most scary things he could possibly ever feel: not being able to help Oikawa.

"H-Hey…" he tried and his voice failed him, sounding harsh and outworn. He leant his shoulder against Oikawa's, green eyes never leaving the setter's face. "Are yo-"

"Numb," was all Oikawa said and Iwaizumi felt a lump in his throat. Oikawa was still looking at the ceiling, body sprawled, exhausted. "I feel numb. I thought I would be mad or sad or angry, but… I'm just numb."

"Is that… good?" Iwaizumi questioned, worried. Oikawa sounded so distant and weak.

"No… No, it's not," he breathed and bit his lower lip, tilting his head forward. "I want to feel something, anything! Anything but this numbness, this apathy!" his voice was firmer but no less weak, no less desperate and Iwaizumi was certain his own heart was breaking at each new word coming from his friend's mouth. He felt Oikawa shifting slightly and a hand closing tightly around the collar of the t-shirt Iwaizumi had borrowed for the night. "I need to feel something! Anything at all!"

"Oikawa…" he didn't know what to do, he didn't know what to say, or how could he help. Oikawa was slipping like water through his fingers and Iwaizumi had no clue on how to keep him safe, protected, away from the despair creeping in the air around them. "Oikawa, wha-"

"I don't know. Just do something to take this numbness away!" Oikawa implored, fisting his second hand on Iwaizumi's t-shirt. "Punch me, or kick me. You can break my nose, I don't mind! Just-"

"I'm not going to hit you, are you out of your mind?!"

"YES! YES, I AM!" he yelled and shook Iwaizumi again and again. "I'm out of my goddamn mind! I don't know what's wrong! I can't feel anything! So, punch me! Iwa-chan, please!"

"I'm not punching you…" he muttered and felt a hand letting go of his shirt and a fist connecting with the left side of his jaw. "FUCK- OIKAWA!"

Iwaizumi caught Oikawa's fist when he was diving for a second hit. Immediately, the other hand tried to mimic the first one and Iwaizumi pushed Oikawa to the side to avoid the punch. He tried to reason with his friend, tried to make him stop, to make him calm down, but Oikawa was not listening. He wrestled, pulling both of them into a fight Iwaizumi wanted nothing more but to avoid. They rolled over the bed and fell on the floor, Iwaizumi getting most of the impact with Oikawa falling on top of him. He was punched again before he could lace his legs around Oikawa's waist and spin them around, pinning the taller boy under his weight. But Oikawa wasn't stopping anytime soon. He was able to land another punch and a kick on Iwaizumi's ribs. He wasn't screaming anymore, but his silence was more painful than his words.

Oikawa was suffering. Deeply suffering and Iwaizumi was so lost he had absolutely no idea what to do. He felt his eyes burn and his bruised lip quiver before tears fell down his face. Oikawa kept fighting, kept pushing, kept hurting in order to try to feel and to forget and all Iwaizumi could do was stand there, defend from the blows while desperately trying to make Oikawa stop. But he wouldn't, not even when Iwaizumi was crying and calling his name over and over again.

Oikawa wasn't listening.

And Iwaizumi wasn't thinking anymore.

His hands closed around Oikawa's face, fingers tangling into wet hair, thumbs grasping over heated cheeks. Their noses bumped and their teeth clashed as Iwaizumi swallowed the frustrated grunt coming from Oikawa's throat before their lips locked. His tears fell on Oikawa's face and he felt Oikawa's blunt nails digging deep into his arms before he pulled back to breathe and kissed him again, between salt and despair. Oikawa was still after the third kiss and Iwaizumi dared to look him in the eye.

"I'm not punching you, shittykawa!" he declared in a hoarse and exhausted tone. "I'm not going to hurt you! I'm not doing it!" Oikawa's eyes were wide and poignant and his breathing failed for a moment. Iwaizumi saw his chest spasm and his lips pressing together like he wanted to avoid the flood of emotion that was about to take over him. "It's ok. Breathe. Please breathe, Oika-"

It was Oikawa's hands on his hair and Oikawa's lips on his lips and they were kissing again. Iwaizumi didn't have time to process what was happening before Oikawa's teeth sank on his lower lip and he groaned into his friend's mouth. And the legs that were pushing them apart and kicking him in the fight were suddenly smashing their hips together, grinding their bodies. Iwaizumi tried to pull away, but Oikawa's hold on him was strong and that hot and wet tongue licking his bruised lip was not helping.

"Oik-" lips were on his, Oikawa's tongue in his mouth, hands pulling his hair, and he had no possible escape. Because Oikawa was kissing him, and pulling him, and moaning his name and Iwaizumi didn't have the strength to avoid the crash.

Tears dried as lips swelled and clothes disappeared. It was all young, immature and desperate and they couldn't stop. The air was hot and sticky, the moans were louder and the intensity grew bigger at every new lick or caress. They tasted each other's bodies and marked each other's skin. Bites, scratches, bruises. Strong muscles moving in tandem, making their bodies burn with a need they didn't know they had. Hair was pulled, breaths exchanged, red swollen lips in messy kisses and hard erections leaking without being touched.

Fingers coated with saliva, nails leaving long red lines behind and silent pleas. And then it was hot and tight around his throbbing erection and Oikawa's back was arching and he just couldn't stop. Oikawa's voice was panting his name and Oikawa's hands were on his shoulders and neck and Oikawa's body was against his and it was all too much and too intense and too surreal.

He saw, in pure ecstasy, those hazel eyes roll back before Oikawa breathed out his name as he came, pushing Iwaizumi over the edge as well. The impact of the orgasm was overwhelming and they stayed still, in silence, bathing in the bliss of it before the hard reality came crashing down on them. Iwaizumi swallowed dry as he felt Oikawa starting to shake.

"I'm sorry," he heard, like a whisper. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't- God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Iwaizumi bit his lip and pushed Oikawa against his chest, holding him tight, trying with all his will to protect Oikawa from himself. But little did he know how lost Oikawa already was.

Eventually, Iwaizumi was able to drag Oikawa to the bathroom. They showered slowly in silence and in the dark, hoping that the water would wash the pain away. It didn't. They walked back to the room and laid down on Oikawa's bed, Iwaizumi lacing his arms around his friend, in a dire attempt keep the darkness away. The sun was about to rise when he was finally able to fall asleep and when he woke up, in the next morning, Oikawa was nowhere to be seen.

He found Oikawa at the Sendai gymnasium, hours later. Of course, he would be watching the final match and Iwaizumi felt a wave of relief when he realized Oikawa was back to normal. He was wearing his glasses to hide the soreness that remained on his eyes. But aside from that, nothing else could remind him of the night before. Oikawa was pissed, but he was not falling into the black hole of rumbles and nightmares he had been tiptoeing around. It gave Iwaizumi a false sense of security, a wrong notion that Oikawa was fine.

The weeks that followed felt normal. They kept going to class, they kept going to practice and, aside from some new daily study session (because the graduation exams were getting closer), their routine didn't seem to change. Only Oikawa was staying more and more at the gym. The usual 30 more minutes he always stayed behind became 40, then 60, then 120. And this time, unlike the time before when Iwaizumi was able to drag Oikawa home, the setter's mindset was unchangeable and he was not giving up on those extra hours. Iwaizumi started to push him, trying to convince him - again! - that he was being stupid, but Oikawa wasn't listening.

Their first argument had been at the end of November. They were alone at the gym, already too long past the normal end of practice time, and Iwaizumi tried to drag Oikawa away from the court. It was the first time he actually saw Oikawa truly furious at him. In all honestly, it scared him. Scared him so much he had no reaction to it, so he just stood there and watched as Oikawa screamed at him.

He wanted to hug him. To brush those locks of silky hair away from hazel eyes and wrap his arms around his friend. He wanted to hug him so close and so tight that Oikawa would be protected, safe forever, and he didn't need to worry anymore. He wanted to breathe on Oikawa's neck and tell him that everything would be ok, that their future was not scary, or dark or dangerous. That they would have each other and that alone would be enough.

But he didn't and Oikawa stormed out of the court, into the clubroom, and away from him.

Iwaizumi wanted to punch himself for that.

"I'm not your enemy," he said, minutes later, standing in front of his locker, his back turned to Oikawa. He opened his mouth again but he wasn't sure what to say. I worry about you? You don't have to do this? All that was crossing his mind sounded futile and stupid. All that crossed his mind were things he already said to Oikawa time and time again. He clenched his teeth hard and yanked his practice t-shirt over his head. He hated not being able to do something, to take Oikawa out of that ridiculous _I need to be better_ phase, to reach out and actually make a difference. He hated it so much he was actually starting to feel nauseous. And then, Oikawa's breathing brushed the back of his nape, sending a shiver down his spine.

"I know…" Oikawa whispered as his tongue licked the tanned skin of Iwaizumi's neck. His entire body flared awake under that. Wide eyes, gooseflesh, heartbeat loud and strong, a sledgehammer breaking his rib cage from the inside. He inhaled deeply through his nose and closed his eyes as Oikawa's hands slid gently around his waist, teeth scraping the skin on his nape.

It was a whirl after that. Oikawa's skin was too hot on his, strong hands marking his body, teeth biting his neck and lips stealing the last of his sanity. They ended up against the shelves of the clubroom and then, on the tatami floor. Their lips were swollen and bruised, dark spots around their necks, shoulders, chests. The burns from the tatami straws marking their backs and knees and elbows. They were exhausted, covered in sweat and hurt. So damned hurt.

They walked home in silence and Oikawa followed him into his house. They showered, they ate and they slept in each other's arms. No questions asked, no hesitations, no half-truths. And in the next morning… they were, again, back to normal.

Deep down, in the core of his being, Iwaizumi knew it was far from over, but he hoped. Oh yes, he hoped. Hoped that Oikawa was done being reckless, done trying to surpass himself, done getting hurt - both physically and emotionally - because of that obsession of his. He hoped… and it all came crashing down two weeks later when the same situation repeated itself.

The Winter was long, that year. And with every snowfall, they fell harder and harder into that addictive and painful routine of losing themselves in each other's arms. Iwaizumi knew it wasn't right, he knew they shouldn't be doing that for all the reasons and then some more. He knew Oikawa was using him as an escape when things took the wrong turn and they would end up crashing down, but… It was Oikawa. How could he ever deny _anything_ to Oikawa?

It was around Valentine's Day that Oikawa's knee suddenly gave up. They were in the middle of a game when Oikawa jumped to set a ball and fell hard on the floor, his knee completely strengthless. He jerked his leg a couple of times, laughed the matter off and sat for the rest of the practice. The coach forced him to go to the school infirmary and, from there, he was sent to the hospital. At the hospital, Oikawa was told he needed to stop playing at the rate he was and he needed some physiotherapy. Oikawa promised to follow all the recommendations and lay back a little on his volleyball practice.

Two days later, Iwaizumi found him at the gym, practicing like a maniac.

They fought again and it was nasty. There was blood on their shirts, coming from their noses and lips. There were black eyes and bruised jaws. And as they kiss and fuck into oblivion, there were tears and fears and broken dreams.

March was the worse month.

Their fights became a daily routine, their sex came with the same intensity. Oikawa was acting like an insane, maniac person and Iwaizumi was doing all he could to stop him. Which was almost like he was doing nothing as Oikawa kept pushing all his limits for a dream he was so close to destroying completely. It was like he didn't even believe that his knee could break apart like he believed that if he ignored his problem hard enough, the pain would be gone and he would be fine.

It was so stupid, so childish, so immature.

So painful.

Graduation day arrived. They were all smiles and happiness for the photos. Their parents were proud, their classmates were exploding in enthusiasm and they were dreading and hoping for the future which would start with April, a week from that day.

It had been a cold Winter, so no sakura trees had bloomed yet. They walked shoulder to shoulder through the campus, the final conversation regarding their university choices happening. Matsukawa had been accepted in Sendai University, so he was going to stick around. Hanamaki landed a place in Tohoku University - which had one of the best volleyball programs in the country - but he wasn't sure he would be able to join the team. Oikawa announced that he was going to Tokyo, for the Chuo University. And Iwaizumi told them that he decided that he was going to join the National Police Academy, also in Tokyo.

(What the others didn't need to know was that the National Police Academy, in Fūchū, was less than 45 minutes away from the Tama Campus of the Chuo University. And that if he hadn't been accepted in that one, he would have tried Tokyo GaiDai, which was right next to the Police Academy. Or Tama University. Or any other bloody university that was on the west side of Tokyo, so he could be close to Oikawa.)

Matsukawa and Hanamaki cheered and cried a little. They all hugged and promised to keep chatting and writing and meeting whenever they would be around. They parted ways at the gate of AobaJousai High and, without looking back, each one of them went their own way.

The night was dark and cold, but Oikawa and Iwaizumi escaped to the rooftop of Oikawa's house anyway, wrapped in blankets, looking at the clear skies above them. Serenity was dancing around them, and the mood was light and cozy. Iwaizumi was wondering how many chances would he have to do that with Oikawa in Tokyo? To just sneak to the rooftop and sit there and watch the stars. _Innumerous_ , he hoped, a silly smile drawing slowly on his lips. That moment was perfect. So perfect he wanted to keep it going forever. But life's a bitch, right? And all good things must come to an end.

Oikawa's mouth opened and he spoke of volleyball. Of playing volleyball for the Chuo Team, of doing a special integration camp, of weeks and weeks of exhaustive work. He spoke of how much he was excited about it and how much he was going to do his best. How his unspoken dream and obsession was getting closer at each new step he took.

Iwaizumi watched his friend talking with widened eyes and his mouth agape. He asked about the physiotherapy and about the doctor's orders and Oikawa simply dismissed him. He waved his hand like he always did and smiled that fake everything-is-gonna-be-ok smile and laughed in a high-pitched tone on top of that.

Iwaizumi felt his blood freeze on his veins and his heart ache more and more with each thunderous heartbeat. He was left livid and stunned by Oikawa's words. And this time, this time only, he didn't punch him. Or yelled. Or made a scene because Oikawa - fucking, fucking Oikawa! - was being delusional and stupid. Plain stupid! He didn't know exactly what he was feeling. He was past the furious point, past the angry, the mad, the raging. He was past the desperate and the worry and the sad. He was…

Numb.

"Iwa-chan?" Oikawa asked when he got up and climbed down from the rooftop. "Iwa-chan where- where are you going?"

"Home…" he muttered, walking inside Oikawa's room, to the corridor, and down the stairs. Oikawa followed right behind him, interrogation marks all over his face. Oikawa asked what was wrong, why was he acting like that, why was he leaving without a word. He simply kept silent.

At the street in between their houses, Oikawa grabbed his arm and pulled him back. Yelled at him, demanded to know what was going on, cursed and pushed Iwaizumi against the wall and kissed him. Hard and bruising, like all those times before, bodies pressed, hands pulling hair and despair filling the air around them.

Iwaizumi pushed him away with so much strength Oikawa actually fell on the floor. And then he yelled. He yelled all that was stuck in his chest, all the pain and the sorrow of seeing Oikawa sink that low without being able to help, or to make him stop, or to make his fucking dreams come true. He yelled all the anguish that he was feeling because Oikawa was destroying himself for a dream that would certainly _not_ come true if his knee broke down. He called him a coward and an asshole, he told him that all he wanted was for him to be happy and that he would fight hard against anything or anyone that would get in the way of Oikawa's dreams. But that he couldn't fight against Oikawa himself and that he couldn't keep fighting a battle that was only going to end in sorrow and tears. He was tired, so, so tired. Tired of doing his best for someone else, of giving him his everything, of living and breathing for him. And all Oikawa was doing was pushing him away and destroying himself.

His face was completely wet when his voice broke and he couldn't talk anymore. A couple of neighbours were sneaking at the windows, trying to understand what was going on. He attempted to clean his face and hide his eyes with shaky hands.

"Go d-destroy your body, I-I don't care," he whispered in between sobs, sore throat and heavy heart. "Go join the National Team a-and win fucking Worlds with a wrecked knee! I don't- care!"

He turned away and walked home.

He never saw Oikawa's tears washing his face.

They didn't speak again. Iwaizumi was too hurt. Oikawa was too proud. And when Iwaizumi tried to reach for him, Oikawa wasn't there anymore.

University started.

Twelve years passed.

Funny how one can be so close, yet so far.

 **To be continued**

* * *

 **A.N.:** " _'Til somebody loses their mind_ " _-_ Wonderland _, 1989 by Taylor Swift_

On the Universities' distance - Tokyo Metropolitan Area is *massive*! I studied in Tokyo GaiDai and some of my classmates commuted from Adachi or from the border close to Saitama to the GaiDai campus every day. This is over 2 hours of commuting time _each way_! So Iwa-chan staying just 45 min away from Oikawa, for Tokyo/Japan standards, they are practically neighbours :)

Reviews make authors happy! And happy authors write faster weeeee o/

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For rants and questions and updates and all that jazz :3

 **Akira**


	3. Put them in a drawer

**Chapter 3  
** _(Took our broken hearts) Put them in a drawer_

 **23rd of September, 2015  
Tokyo Metropolitan Gymnasium**

He had perfect notion of the game, perfect vision, perfect perception of every little detail around him. It was almost like time had frozen and he could, calmly, look around and see who was where. It was one of their best-synchronised attacks. Five spikers against three blockers wasn't fair. And it was even less fair when the one manipulating the game was Oikawa himself. He knew where the USA team was and he knew exactly to whom and how to toss the final ball. Sakusa's spike was flawless and Oikawa never felt so good with the sound of the ball smashing the court on the opposite side.

Arms and loud screams were around him in a heartbeat. Strong hands grabbing and pulling his jersey and voices shouting winning words at his ears. He opened an utterly satisfactory grin as he hugged his teammates back. Even the distant Ushijima was there, in the middle of the limbs and euphoria mess. Oikawa felt those large and calloused hands hold his skull, long fingers tangling into his sweaty hair, as Ushijima's dark olive eyes sparkle directly at him.

"I was fucking right about you!" he stated in his deep voice, a rare smirk showing up on his usually stoic face. "You should have come to Shiratorizawa before! We could hav-"

"Seriously, Ushiwaka!" Oikawa laughed, punching Ushijima's shoulder softly, watching as the other man also falls into a rare laugh. It was so out of character to see Ushijima Wakatoshi laugh and make jokes but… they just won Worlds! Happiness and excitement and that pure bliss of joy were all over them.

It was a whirl in between that final spike and the dinner at the fancy restaurant the team had reserved for the night. Everyone was loud and cheerful and, after a couple of hours, Oikawa felt like he could finally sneak out without being noticed. Ushijima saw him, of course he did, but he kept quiet and, mentally, Oikawa thanked him for that.

The taxi drive took less than 20 minutes and it was only when Oikawa caught himself at the entrance of Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department that he actually thought exactly what the fuck he was doing! His body acted on impulse, taking over his mind when his former kouhai's text message arrived and letting his subconscious rule. He checked his phone when he exited the taxi. 9.02PM.

He just had to wait.

Leaning against a three in between the entrance of the Police Department and the entrance of Sakuradamon Metro Station, Oikawa had time to clear his mind. The street was practically empty and the rain that started to fell was so soft it couldn't penetrate the canopy of trees around him. Oikawa sighed and tilted his head back. He knew what he was doing, he had waited twelve bloody years for it! And he was not going to back off. He had wanted to do it so many times before… when he made National Team at the age of 18, when he became the regular setter on the year after, when they won the Asia Championship and when he was named Captain of the team at the age of 25. He wanted to do it so bad, just forget about the past and about stupid - stupid! - teenager dramas and ridiculous pride and just do it!

But every time he was about to step out of the gymnasium, every time he was about to press the call button, the very same words came bursting into his mind. _Win fucking Worlds_. Wet, hurt, painful green eyes staring back at him and Oikawa's heart would ache. It would ache so much, he had to return to his routine of not caring, of not remembering, of pretending that it never happen. He would step back and walk inside the gymnasium, back to his fellow team players. A fake smile on his face and another fissure opening slowly on his heart.

Not that time.

No, not this time. This time he had won Worlds! He had done all that there was to do, all his dreams came true, all his ambitions fulfilled, all he ever imagined… done. So, no, he was not backing off. He could not back off, he would not! Their last fight was carved in his mind and he knew - oh yes, he knew - that if he had a chance, a minimum chance, of solving things between them… that was it.

Oikawa waited, protected from the rain by the canopy of leaves above him. He just stood there and waited, checking his phone every now and then, ignoring the absurd quantity of Line messages he got from his team players after they realised he had gone missing. The group chat they kept in between the National Team was full of complains and assumptions that he had just left to meet with a woman. Or two.

"Or five!" Nishinoya wrote and Oikawa hissed at the text, ignoring it.

He noticed, then, by the corner of his eye, a dark figure exiting the Police Department building. He wanted to laugh at how lame it was that his stomach was suddenly overflowing with butterflies. Iwaizumi turned on his direction and started to walk slowly, his head partially covered by the black umbrella. Oikawa watched, with attentive and wistful eyes, as Iwaizumi unsuspiciously approached him.

The National Team Captain released a breath he didn't notice he was holding. He had seen Iwaizumi a couple of times during that gap time. Far away at a park, or at a restaurant, or at a shopping department, but he had never walked close enough to actually see Iwaizumi in detail. (And because Oikawa would never admit that all those occasions were not exactly coincidences and he couldn't dare to step close.) Iwaizumi looked good, honestly good. He had grown up a bit after High School and gained some more defined muscle in the Police Academy that allowed that tailored suit he was using to fit him like a glove. He had also gained a sense of style, using good suits and vests, giving him a classic figure that, as Kindaichi had mentioned once during a former Seijou meeting, made him a success among women.

Iwaizumi was grown up, responsible, handsome and elegant and Oikawa barely believed it was honestly his best friend. How did the silent and frowning Iwaizumi become such a gallant gentlemen? He was almost jealous. Almost.

Oikawa saw the other man looking up when he was no more than 7 meters from him and then, he tilted the umbrella forward to close it. He tensed and Oikawa knew he had been seen. Not just seen, but also recognised. Iwaizumi knew he was there and that, somehow, made a warm buzz spread in his chest. Slowly, he saw the man turning to his direction, umbrella lowered enough so their eyes could meet.

God, Oikawa thought, but those green eyes were still so incredibly full of emotion he was almost overwhelmed. None spoke for what felt like an eternity as Oikawa's mind was suddenly at peace. No fear, no hesitation, no tortuous memories or anguish. He just felt… right.

An honest smile lighted upon his lips and he watched Iwaizumi's eyes widening and he could swear he heard the Inspector's heart skipping a beat. _Or completely stop_.

"Iwa-chan..." Oh, that name... It felt so nostalgic and gentle out of the sudden. So precious. "I won Worlds."

There was no answer to that, but, honestly, Oikawa was not expecting one. He kept his smile on his face as he was so damn _happy_ and he couldn't even tell why. He didn't know how Iwaizumi was going to react, he didn't know he was going to even acknowledge him at all, but… it all just felt right. Maybe it was the exhaustion of the most intense game of his life together with the fact that his best friend was finally - finally! - in front of him, looking at him. Oikawa couldn't tell. But it just felt so right and he was so happy he couldn't prevent his smile from spreading into a fully breathtaking vision.

The umbrella was forgotten on the floor when Oikawa leant forward, stepping away from the tree, and closed their distance. Iwaizumi was reactionless, just standing in the middle of the sidewalk, eyes never leaving Oikawa's figure. They were about a step apart when Oikawa noticed Iwaizumi inhaling deeply like he was resetting his lungs, forcing them to work again. _I'm still taller than him_ , Oikawa thought fondly, _but by less than those 5 centimeters we had back then_.

"We played against the USA team. Those bastards were quite good," he kept talking, like what he was saying matter at all. He felt like he could do it, just talk about the game, how it was, how he felt before such a powerful adversary, how his team was so focused. He felt like those twelve years never really existed and he was, all over again, meeting his best friend after a game he couldn't attend when they were 17. "Ushiwaka-chan even got annoyed by one of their middle blockers. Can you believe that guy?! Poker face during the entire championship and, on the finals, he decides to go and be a normal human!"

Iwaizumi walked past him.

Oikawa's eyes widened in shock when he turned around to follow Iwaizumi and saw him hailing a taxi. _No, no, no!_ He couldn't leave. That was not how it was supposed to go! Not how he planned! Iwaizumi was not supposed to ignore him, he couldn't ignore him! He won Worlds! He did all he had to do! Why would he-

"Iwa-chan!" Oikawa cried when he saw a taxi stopping in front of Iwaizumi and the door open automatically. "Don't le-"

"There's a good and private sushi restaurant about 10 minutes from here." Iwaizumi hissed, entering the taxi, never looking at Oikawa.

He left the door open. Oikawa followed him inside.

 **xxx**

Iwaizumi couldn't shake off the feeling of being completely lost. Lost between words and emotions and memories. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he wanted to yell and to clarify. He wanted to punch Oikawa in the face and tell him that they were not ok! That Oikawa couldn't disappear from Iwaizumi's life for twelve fucking years and, out of the blue, just drop by his work and pretend that bloody decade never happened! He wanted to tell Oikawa how that was not how things work! Not how friendships works and how much - how so damn bloody much - he was hurt and he didn't want to smile and ignore it all!

But Oikawa was there, sat right next to him, their knees brushing slightly. He was there and he was talking and laughing and flashing his goddamn perfect smile around and Iwaizumi's mind was blank. So he listened to Oikawa tell him about his life and his team and how boring Ushijima is because he never goes to the cinema with Oikawa to watched an alien movie. " _Not even the new Star Wars he wants to go see, I don't think this is normal, Iwa-chan!"_ Iwaizumi also listened to how Takeru was now the ace of Aoba Jousai volleyball club, how Oikawa's sister was doing very well in her big job position and how his parents were considering a vacation to Thailand for some beach time.

After the second bottle of sake, Iwaizumi started to talk back and that only made Oikawa more eager. " _You didn't watch the game? It was the final of the Asian Championship, Iwa-chan! And we won! How come you didn't watch the game?"_ From then on, it became a conversation instead of a one sided rant about Oikawa Tooru's life and it felt good. So good and so right that Iwaizumi was honestly starting to wonder if they really parted ways, all those years before. If that was not only a stupid dream he had and the truth was that Oikawa had always been there. It felt like it. And damn… how much Iwaizumi liked that feeling.

Oikawa's hand was on his shoulder when they left the sushi restaurant, about two hours later. He was still laughing and talking about random moments of his life, the good and the bad ones. Iwaizumi opened his umbrella again since the rain hadn't stopped. Oikawa sneaked under it and opened a grin when Iwaizumi glared at him. It was all too warm, too comfortable, too… them. Iwaizumi's mind was a whirl and he… he just really wanted to let that feeling last a bit longer. Just a bit longer. It couldn't hurt, right? To pretend it was all ok?

"Hey, my place is 7 minutes from here, by taxi," Oikawa said, casually, pointing at a specific direction while his left arm was almost laced with Iwaizumi's. "Come over? I can show you the games you missed and-"

"No." But it did hurt after all, and he couldn't ignore it. Iwaizumi stopped walking. They were in the middle of Ginza district, with the lights of the fancy stores and the late night drivers passing by. Oikawa was suddenly at a loss for words and just stared at Iwaizumi. "I'm not going over to your place."

"But we just-"

"We're not ok, Oikawa!" he declared, certain and strong and tried his best to keep his posture while looking directly into those widened hazel eyes. His heart cracked with a deep fissure. "You can't do this! You can't disappear from my life, completely forget about me and then just show up and assume we're ok!"

"I never forgot about you, Iwa-chan!" Oikawa stated, his voice dropping to a lower, more urgent tone. The air was heavy. The rain seemed more intense and the humidity was starting to stuck on their skin. It was hot and bothersome and hard to breathe. And, somehow, Iwaizumi felt it had nothing to do with the weather.

"But you were gone," the Inspector sighed and looked away, his expression sad. "You were gone from my life. I called, wrote, left messages. I waited outside your dorm for hours and hours, but you never let me see you again. You were gone. And just because now you're back… that doesn't mean we're ok."

"We just had an amazing dinner! Why would you-"

"Because I'm stupid!" he hissed, turning to look at Oikawa again, the urgency and harshness gripping on his tone. "I'm stupid and I… just wanted to play along when you decide to show up and smile at me like nothing happened. But I can't!" he watched as Oikawa's mouth contorted and his face turned into a pained expression that had been so long since Iwaizumi had last seen it. Why was his heartbeat so uncontrollably loud? "It's been years… we're different people, I'm a different man. I can't just do this."

"But…" Oikawa hesitated, and Iwaizumi saw how much the setter's hands were trembling. God, how much he hated all that stupid situation. "But you said… back when… it's… Goddamnit!" and then, he was close, too close, a hand on Iwaizumi's arm, hurt eyes piercing the inspector's soul. It was Oikawa without barriers, without masks, without fake smiles and sweetened voice. It was Oikawa raw and crude and broken. "I won Worlds! With a wrecked knee! I won the fucking World Championship of Volleyball! Why can't you come back to me?"

Iwaizumi froze. Left hand holding the umbrella, right grabbing Oikawa's wrist that was pulling them closer together. His green eyes widened and fixed on those turbulent hazel ones. There was pain and sorrow carved into Oikawa's expression. Breathless, hopeless attempts at keeping the masks up, only to have them shattering and the smithereens flying with the night wind.

A cold shiver ran down Iwaizumi's spine and he cursed, mad. His throat hurt, his stomach hurt, his mind was dizzy and his heart… his heart was bleeding. Bleeding for all the times he tried and failed to save Oikawa, for all the times he left his own self behind, for all the times he prayed for him instead, for all the times he just wished Oikawa would hear him… and he thought the other never did.

"I won Worlds!" And they were no longer in the middle of Ginza district with a metro station a few steps away and an expensive scarf boutique behind them. They were back in Miyagi, back to being 17, back to the street between their parents' houses, back to the graduation night. "What else do you want me to do? I won Worlds!" Raw Oikawa, crude, pained, despaired, tortured Oikawa. "I joined the National Team… I won Worlds!"

Something warm and wet rolled down Iwaizumi's face without him even noticing it was coming. He saw Oikawa's eyes shadowing with worry and the setter's hands on his face, cleaning the liquid salt away from his skin. Oikawa muttered something, but Iwaizumi didn't listen. He covered his mouth with his free hand and hid his eyes away.

The whirl was growing bigger and stronger and his anger gave away to something else. His heart was wrecked and tortured, bled out and burnt. He was exhausted and drained of any capacity to play that game. _Only it was no game_. He swallowed dry, his throat hurting and his breathing faltering. And he bit his lip, almost drawing blood before he exhaled in a shattered pace.

"Oikawa…" he muttered in a voice that he hadn't used in over ten years, feeling his heartbeat hurting his chest, his stomach twisting in agony, his mind overheating and shutting down - again. And all he wanted was to be back in time. With a happy and smiling and innocent Oikawa at his side.

Was that too much to ask?

"Iw-" Oikawa started, but his voice failed him when he felt Iwaizumi's free hand on his hair, caressing those rebel and fluffy locks away from surprised eyes and flushed cheeks. And teary green eyes, filled with so much emotion, broke Oikawa's heart.

"You won Worlds…" Iwaizumi whispered, like a secret, a confession, with the purest smile he had ever displayed, watching as Oikawa's eyes widened and a flash of too many meanings crossed his irises. "You won wor-"

He never finished his sentence. Oikawa's hands were on his face again and Oikawa's fingers were on his hair and on his nape and Oikawa's breathing was on his. They were 17 again, and again their noses bumped and their teeth clashed. And this time was Oikawa the one swallowing the groan from Iwaizumi's throat as their lips locked and they lost their minds.

 **To be continued**

* * *

 **A.N.:** " _Took our broken hearts / Put them in a drawer" - Welcome to New York, 1989 by Taylor Swift_

Oikawa is not a sane person. No, he's not (◍•₃•◍) I promise more details on how much he is not sane… soon x3  
I'm honestly trying my best to write this fic as fast as possible but did you know that being a grownup sucks? Bah!  
I'll be answering reviews on tumblr for next chapter, I'll link it here on chapter 4 :) And talking about chapter 4… some good smut is coming Wuahahaha!

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Akira


	4. We were in screaming color

**A.N.:** Dear all, please note that the rating of the fic was upgraded to Explicit. There's a reason for that :3

Also, if you leave a guest review or you don't have pm enabled, you can check review replies on my tumblr ahakira dot tumblr dot com

* * *

 **Chapter 4  
** _We were in screaming color_

 **24th of September, 2015  
** **Park Axis Toyosu (Oikawa's apartment)**

There had always been something about Oikawa's kisses. Some strange spell or hypnosis that, without fail, would make Iwaizumi's mind go blank. Make him forget the wrongs and the rights, make him throw all his reasonings and thoughts away, make him completely fall under that intense and unique spell that was Oikawa's taste. He believed it had been a teenager thing, blamed the hormones and their insane sexual drive, blamed their recklessness, blamed the immaturity of the whole situation they had gotten themselves into. It was simply easier to believe in that than on the fact that Oikawa's lips had the ability to make him lose his mind.

But he wasn't surprised when all rationality simply vanished with Oikawa locking their lips again. All that was twirling around in his head, simply gone. Washed away with the warmness of a kiss he had missed so dearly.

And from there to being pushed against Oikawa's apartment door, was just another whirl of voices and shapes that didn't really matter.

His overcoat was on the floor, his shoes were thrown somewhere and his suit jacket was about to follow. Oikawa's lips were latching on his neck as his hands sank under Oikawa's t-shirt feeling the warmth of the skin he remembered so damn well. Their bodies were flushed together and grinding. Iwaizumi rolled his hips in a harsh movement and his stomach jumped when he heard Oikawa moan on his neck. He took one of his hands to Oikawa's hair, pulling it and stealing another breathtaking kiss from him, before pushing away from the front door.

They stumbled on the two steps of the entryway before he felt Oikawa bit his lips while pulling him into the apartment. Iwaizumi gladly followed, making sure Oikawa's jacket disappeared from the setter's body. There was a door on his right that Oikawa pushed open before dragging him inside the dim room, never allowing their bodies to part.

They danced with stumbling steps as Oikawa turned them around before pushing Iwaizumi on the queen size bed and crawling on top of him. They stared into each other's eyes for a woeful second that felt like an eternity. The hurt, the pain, and the despair were clear in their irises, all the regret of those too long years apart was like dark paint on white canvas but none of them could deal with it at the moment. There were words unsaid and feelings being locked deep within their souls, but their warmth… oh, their warmth was so vivid and so nostalgic and-

"I missed you…" Oikawa muttered, his right thumb caressing Iwaizumi's bottom lip as tanned hands outlined his thighs over rough jeans. Oikawa's eyes were sparkling with something that Iwaizumi would say to be stardust. Eyes full of hopes and dreams, of emotions and want, of perseverance and dedication. Eyes full of that feeling that had been consuming Iwaizumi's for far too long, though he never dared to voice it. Eyes that hold his heart and all the smithereens of his soul. "I missed you so much…"

 _And I can not even start to describe what I felt without you_ , Iwaizumi wanted to say, but his voice was not flowing. He was lost at words and oh so full of emotions. He could smell Oikawa, and feel Oikawa's body on his, and Oikawa's hand caressing his neck while the other opened the buttons of his vest, he could see Oikawa, right there, almost like he had always been right there.

His stomach contracted and, for a second, Iwaizumi felt like he was about to lose his mind to the hurricane that was racing under his skin. He didn't want to think about it, he didn't want to feel anything other than Oikawa and all that was Oikawa. He wanted to shut his brain down and throw himself completely into the sweet oblivion of sex. And luckily, lust lashed through their bodies as their breaths met and mouths devoured the other's taste, all rational thoughts buried and lost for the night.

Lips were bitten and bruised and tongues licked at the other's mouth. Their hands were too busy ripping their clothes from their bodies and it was hot, so hot their breaths were like fire, burning the other's skin. There were condoms and lube on the mattress next to them within seconds and it didn't take long before Iwaizumi slid down on the silky sheets, drawing a path of languid kisses down Oikawa's abdomen, nipping at his defined hipbones while dragging the Calvin Klein underwear off Oikawa's hips and releasing the setter's leaking erection.

(He was certain he had seen Oikawa wearing those boxer briefs before. In an advertisement. On a giant billboard in the middle of Shinjuku. They definitely looked better live.)

Iwaizumi's mind cleared for a second and he hesitated, his lust filled eyes seeking Oikawa's in the dark, hands pressing harder on the pale skin of Oikawa's tights. The setter gasped and tilted his head down, looking at the man he was currently straddling. He crocked an eyebrow.

"National Team members are tested once a month. Plus, I'm a celebrity. If I had something, it would be on every newspaper and gossip magazine by now," he breathed slyly, smirking. Iwaizumi hummed before turning his eyes back to the throbbing member in front of him.

And he could have come with the deep and raw moan that etched its way from Oikawa's throat when Iwaizumi took him in his mouth. Oikawa's knees were straddling his head, torso leant forward, hands clenching the sheets and, _god, but he is beautiful_. So, so damn beautiful Iwaizumi couldn't stop looking at him.

His fingers were coated with lube and he felt dizzy, inebriated with the sound of Oikawa's voice, so heavy with pleasure, echoing in his mind. Oikawa's taste against his tongue only made his dazzled senses tingle and _oh fuck, how much he needed that man._

Oikawa's hand pulled his hair as pleading hazel eyes met lusty green ones. He pulled his fingers out as he kissed Oikawa's navel, allowing the setter to lean back on his ankles, pulling Iwaizumi to a sitting position with him. A square package was ripped open before Oikawa was kissing him again, biting his lower lip, breathing him. He sank his hands on Oikawa's hair, forcing him to tilt his head as Iwaizumi kissed the exposed neck, leaving red marks of love and passion on the pale skin that tasted so familiar to him.

The condom was rolled down on his throbbing erection before he felt Oikawa shift slowly and then, there was just warmth tightening around him. His nails dig on Oikawa's scalp as his mouth fell agape, but no voice filled that moan. Oikawa's hands mimicked his and tangled themselves into short black hair as they stayed still, allowing their minds to clear slightly before the pressure of the moment could ruin it.

"Ah!" Oikawa's voice was guttural, failing before the intensity of hazel against green. Their darkened and dazzled eyes, staring deep into each other, daring to picture all the truths left unsaid and- " _Hajime…"_

Oikawa moved and Iwaizumi's body spasmed, mind blanking again, goosebumps all over his skin and a delicious shiver running down his spine. They kissed again and again, and they moved in tandem, feeling each other, devouring each other, needing each other. There were bites and open mouth kisses, scratches and bruised lips, there were moans and their names echoing in the air.

There were all the feelings of being connected with the other, of being with the other, of having the other. All those intense and maddening feelings that drove them into a frenzy of emotions by the end of senior year were back and more powerful than ever.

His broken cry against Oikawa's throat came with the white bliss of his orgasm, fingers digging into Oikawa's hips with enough strength to leave them marked there, teeth grasping the skin of the setter's Adam's apple, allowing him to feel the vibrations of Oikawa's own moan when he reached climax.

They fell on the sheets, sweat and exhaustion all over them, tangled limbs refusing to separate. They remained like that, waiting for their breaths to calm, heartbeats becoming quiet. Oikawa was the first to move, grabbing a discarded piece of clothing to clean his stomach, letting a little whine escape when he felt Iwaizumi sliding out of him. They sat on the bed slowly, no exchange of words or looks. And the air felt suddenly cold.

"Oik-" Iwaizumi started, but the weight of Oikawa's head on his shoulder made him stop. He felt Oikawa's arms sliding around his waist, hugging him from behind.

"Don't say it," Oikawa's voice was nothing more than a whisper and it still punched Iwaizumi hard on his stomach. "Just don't say it, please."

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, biting his abused lower lip and letting Oikawa's body pulling him back to the sheets. He was doomed anyway, so he could at least pretend that all was good, and cuddle for sleep, even if it was just for the night.

 **xxx**

His face was heavily pressed against Oikawa's chest, the loud heartbeats echoing in Iwaizumi's mind. Their legs were tangled, flushed skin pressed tightly together, arms over backs and torsos, and peaceful breathings. It was like a dream in which they had grown up together, lived together, enjoyed life together and that was just another normal morning in between them.

He would wake Oikawa up with a soft kiss and they would cuddle for a little while before Iwaizumi got up and head for the shower. Oikawa would follow him soon after and they would waste too long in there, but they would not really care for the time. They would dress and head for the kitchen, to make a quick breakfast together before their work schedules forced them to part for the day. They would kiss goodbye and mutter those words with soft and happy voices.

 _Yes… that would feel so good._

Iwaizumi let his mind sink around that illusion for longer than he probably should. He kept his eyes closed and that allowed his other senses to be overwhelmed with Oikawa's presence, touch, smell, warmth. It was an honestly peaceful and delightful dream. It felt so perfect… how could he just shatter it and return to reality? The cold reality in which they didn't grow up together, or lived together and that was not a normal morning in between them. The cold reality that they haven't spoke in years, held back by hurtful and sorrowful words, by pride and insecurity. So damn much insecurity!

How was he supposed to face that?

Forcing his eyes open, Iwaizumi stared at the digital clock on the bedside table displaying 9.04 AM. He was late for work. He sighed and turned his head slowly, leaning his chin over Oikawa's sternum and looking at the sleeping face he thought he would never see again. With his eyes, he traced Oikawa's rebel chestnut locks and smooth skin and still bruised lips, the almost imperceptible breathing forcing them to part. _God, but he truly is beautiful_ , Iwaizumi thought as that humming feeling in his stomach returned along with all the memories from the night before and he was suddenly feeling hot.

A whirl of emotions bashed through his soul and he didn't want to deal with any of them. He felt dizzy again, confused, anxious, lost. There was too much to deal with and he had been avoiding all of it since the moment he had returned to consciousness and realized that all that had happened had not been a dream.

Cursing mentally, he finally let his mind wander to the questions he was so desperately trying to avoid until that moment. All the doubts and the uncertainty that rose the night before, all the things Oikawa said, the way he acted, despair so damn vivid in his eyes: fear of being rejected, fear of not being good enough, fear of nearly destroying his health for _nothing_. Iwaizumi wanted to believe that it was not that. That his stupid, rushed, immature and hurt words were not the reason why Oikawa pushed himself to the extremes to win the World Championship. That it was not some ridiculous form of need to be good enough, of being better, of making sure he wouldn't disappoint that stole his best friend from his life for twelve whole goddamn years.

A sharp stab on his chest made Iwaizumi snap his eyes shut and bit his lower lip. His head was heavy, his chest was hurting and his stomach was contracting so much, he wasn't sure he could eat anything for the next hours. Trembling, he put his hands on each side of Oikawa's shoulders and pushed up, slowly sliding away from Oikawa's arms and skin. It took him a little over a minute to be able to get off the bed without waking up the other man and a cold shiver joined the mesh of bad feelings taking over his body.

He was too emotionally unstable to be able to think clearly and the fact that Oikawa was just there, deeply asleep with a serene semblance and oblivious peace, was only making his line of thought more and more erratic.

 _I have to go._

Was the only coherent thought crossing his mind before he was collecting his discarded clothes from the night before and putting them on without paying much attention. He rushed to the bathroom, on the other side of the lean corridor, to water his mouth and wash his face. That would be enough until he arrived at his office. He left the bathroom and saw his overcoat and suit jacket on the floor, at the entrance, as well as his shoes messily thrown to a corner.

Sighing, he looked to Oikawa's room and his heart skipped a beat before the sight of Oikawa's so peaceful sleep. Iwaizumi bit his lip again and walked inside. He gazed at Oikawa for a long minute before leaning in his direction and brushing those rebel and fluffy locks away from the setter's face.

He wished for the world to stop on that moment, so he could be there forever. He wished he could just ignore all the rest and stay. He wished there were no other feelings in the middle and he wished there was nothing that could keep them apart. He wished Oikawa knew he had always been more than enough, he had always been perfect. He wished all that past had never happened.

And then he hated himself for wishing it.

Trembling and with a unpaced breath, Iwaizumi kissed Oikawa's forehead in a feather-like touch, allowing his bruised lips to linger on Oikawa's skin. He inhaled deeply, smelling Oikawa's hair and gathering enough strength to storm out of the room without looking back. He was like a flash, picking up his overcoat and jacket, shoving his shoes on his feet and leaving the apartment.

There was nothing in the world that he wanted more than to stay in Oikawa's bed, pretend those years never happened, pretend to be happy and good, pretend his job didn't exist and pretend that everything was ok.

"But I can't," he repeated to himself, like a mantra, as he was leaving the building and hailing a taxi, the weight of reality crushing all of him.

 _I can't!_

 **To be continued**

* * *

 **A.N.:**

" _We were in screaming color" - Out of the Woods, 1989 by Taylor Swift_

Kids, no blowjobs without condoms unless you really know and trust the other person and they're tested and clean. STDs are a real thing and they kill people! Iwaizumi and Oikawa are fucking idiots! Don't be like them!

Angst is going to be around for a couple of chapters more, but I promise it will eventually come to an end. I promise it will end up well! I'm a sucker for happy endings, so nothing to worry about :3 Or so I say *O*

Favourites make me happy, reviews make my day *heart*

Say hi to me on twitter at ahakira_ or on tumblr: ahakira dot tumblr dot com

Cheers,  
A.


	5. Kaleido is completed on AO3

Hey, mates!

I'm really sorry for this sudden message, but as I grew to really dislike fanfiction net publishing system, Kaleido will not be completed on this website.

However, **Kaleido is fully published/completed on my AO3 account.**

You can access it and read it even without a login so, if you're still interested in that story, you can find it if you go to AO3 website and, after the "org" in the url write: (slash) works (slash) 6431419

In case ffnet system took the above link from this text (as I expect it will) you can also find my AO3 account if you google: **AO3 Akira_Kun**

Apologies for the inconvenience and I hope you'll continue to read this story in AO3

Thank you!  
 _Akira_


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